Wow, I saw a ton of movies this year! And like everyone on the internet, I’ve got rankings of them! But this is no mere mortal top ten! Not on your life! This is…
So strap yourselves in and prepare to rage, as I surely rank one of your favorites way too low or I deify something you wouldn’t wipe your ass with!
- CINEMATIC PERFECTION
MAD MAX: FURY ROAD
You cannot overstate the greatness of MAD MAX: FURY ROAD. Action-driven characterization, brilliantly realized thematic cipher characters, a pulse-pounding yet contemplative score, worldbuilding through suggestion, top tier actors at the top of their game, car chases, explosions, fight scenes, “OH WHAT A LOVELY DAY!” FURY ROAD is brilliantly in the moment, capturing the ethos of 2015: from the inequality and sexualization of women across the globe, to the suffering of the masses at the hands of the few, to the chains of capitalism, to the shackles of religion, to the horrors of war and conscription, all so a few can get a little fatter. FURY ROAD challenges us to acknowledge that it is allegorical and it demands us to take action. It challenges Hollywood, too, to recognize its own complacency in endlessly casting white leads, in endlessly rebooting and playing it safe. FURY ROAD subverts on every level and is an unspeakably good blockbuster to boot. With action sequences so perfectly executed and SO FUCKING POWERFUL, the group I saw it with still had an adrenaline high hours later. This is why we go to the movies.
Is she human? This question embodies everything about EX MACHINA. Its tense psychological thriller about Domhnall Gleeson’s Caleb trying to determine if Alicia Vikander’s Ava, a robot, can pass for human gives way to biting themes of patriarchy, feminism, neutrality, reciprocity, agency, and social structure. Oscar Isaacs’ Nathan terrifies as a brutally masculine robotic engineer and Alicia Vikander is nothing short of mesmerizing. With only her face visible, Vikander carries a myriad of complex emotions so, robot or no, you’re instantly on her side. MANY arguments can be made about whether or not EX MACHINA’s plot are at odds with its themes –which debatably take over in the third act, but EX MACHINA is absolutely the feminist movie for our times. It forces all of us to examine just what role we play in upholding rape culture, The Glass Ceiling, and the countless other social constructions that hold women back.
Disney-Pixar knows how to approach real, deep issues by way of anthropomorphism and structure. BIG HERO 6 did it with the 5 Stages of Grief, and INSIDE OUT does it with Psychology 101. While the human story relates to the young Riley coming to grips with moving to a new town with her family, the larger story is interior and concerns her key emotional states –Fear, Disgust, Anger, and especially Joy and Sadness. What begins as a simple bad day in their office leads to an adventure to save Riley’s psyche from total collapse, framing the dissolution of her youthful innocence as an apocalypse. Understandable. Growing up feels like that. As Joy and Sadness race to save Riley from the brink, they explore her entire psyche, from her memory, to her consciousness, to even the depths of her subconscious. It posits that while emotional and psychological complexity can be hard, it’s absolutely essential to the human experience. An intellectual but accessible charming tearjerker, INSIDE OUT is an absolute must-see.
Writer/director David Robert Mitchell’s IT FOLLOWS is an instant classic, taking a relatable concept like venereal disease, and turning it into something (even more) hellish. Something is always following you. If it ever catches you, it kills you. The only way to get rid of it is to pass it on to someone else via sex. But if it ever catches them, it chases you again. In this way, ‘The Monster’ is more than an STI allegory, but a metaphor for the omnipresence of death and how many cope with that understanding. Shot in the urban ruin of Detroit, this is all the clearer. Beyond the mere concept, Mitchell’s expert and often experimental cinematography grips you in paranoia, making you try to spot the Monster before the characters do. It’s surreal, nightmarish, and conveyed expertly by the cast –especially Maika Monroe’s Jay, whose youthful indiscretion warps into existential torment, self-examination, and even cultural examination. What’s more, it was shot in my home state on a shoestring budget! It’s the first time I’ve been able to say, without a drop of sarcasm, “Pure Michigan.”
CREED is what happens when a master class director understands what makes a franchise great and uses its mythology to tell a similar story within its universe. An inverse of Rocky, Michael B. Jordan’s Adonis Creed (who disappeared into the role, btw) has inherited the wealth of his illegitimate father, Apollo Creed, but wants none of it. His journey to become a boxing champion is one of self-worth and self discovery; he’s absolutely determined to prove that he’s more than an accident. That he is a valid person. Heartwrenching, to say the least. Writer/director Ryan Coogler inflects the story with a voice that’s unmistakably black and modern. Adonis’ voice and his interactions with his girlfriend Tessa Thompson’s Bianca could be nothing other than black. Given all that’s gone wrong with America in the past two years, giving the black community a pioneering spirit and true hero to rally behind is of utmost importance. Rocky was an underdog from the slums; Creed is an underdog of the mind, and his value is instantly legendary.
Forget Superman; PADDINGTON is the true immigrant story. Paddington himself is an accident-prone Peruvian bear who is adopted by an English family and undergoes constant culture shock while trying to get naturalized. Knowing that he’s a nuisance to his adoptive family, he attempts to return to Peru, all while a Nicole Kidman’s Millicent Clyde, a maniac taxidermist, is after his pelt. PADDINGTON comes to us at a time of maximum xenophobia in the world from threats at all angles. For immigrants, this is especially challenging as integrating into English-speaking white culture can be daunting, morally compromising, and even hostile. Paddington epitomizes this in the form of a sweet child of a bear, who makes mistakes in his ignorance and naiveté, but showers his adoptive family and country with his gratitude and love. It’s sincere, poignant, funny, adventurous, and optimistic, and, putting us the audience squarely in Paddington’s perspective, it’s all so very personal. I cried more times during this sweet little movie than any other movie of the year.
- DAMN GOOD MOVIES
I’ve been describing this as “NATIONAL LAMPOON’S FAMILY CHRISTMAS meets GREMLINS,” and there really is no better comparison. A troubled upper-middle class family deals with blue collar in-laws enduring the worst family Christmas ever… until Krampus, the shadow of St. Nicolas arrives to punish them all. Featuring nightmarish monsters and in some of the most mindblowing horror setpieces ever (Jesus God Christ, the attic scene. Hell, the climax in the street…), Krampus is all about perverting Christmas iconography… every bit as much as it is about preserving them, surprisingly. It’s a testament to KRAMPUS’ script and ideology that you’ll begin the story loathing the characters, and end it hoping they’ll survive against the odds. It’s easy to dismiss these as stock characters, but each of them, like the story itself, subverts expectations to reveal unexpected depth, duality, cynicism, and hope. Gimmick slasher movies? Here’s your new gold standard.
THE MAN FROM UNCLE
This is pure cinematic joy. THE MAN FROM UNCLE filters the Cold War posturing masculinity, sexual rivalry, and barely repressed homoerotic tension –traits typical of Guy Richie movies. It’s the kind of instant classic movie that we used to die for: snappy dialogue rife with double entendres; experimental, joyful action sequences; brutal tension; sexy comedy; a wicked toe-tapping score; and standout performances from Henry Cavill, Armie Hammer, and Alicia Vikander. The Cold War was a dick waving contest, and while THE MAN FROM UNCLE is a few decades too late, it makes this point hilariously clear. It’s an unforgettable work of genius, and I say, no bullshit: This was 2015’s best Bond movie.
I wish there were more movies like WITCH –utterly unfraid to chart new genres, settings, periods, characters, themes, and ideas. Set in mid-late 1600s, a Puritan family in colonial America takes to the woods after exile from their community. There, their infant son goes missing, and they begin to suspect a witch is cursing them from the woods… if not, their daughter. Spoken entirely old English, WITCH represents the forces of regression and traditionalism as anchors and seed to our superstitions, generalizations, and scapegoating. It’s at once a horror thriller as much as it is a family drama. What’s more, it’s a textbook about gender politics, family, growing up, sexual rivalries, and religion. The only reason it wasn’t higher on the list was because I honestly didn’t think it was as scary as it could’ve been.
KINGSMAN is an on-the-nose pastiche of James Bond-esque spy thrillers –even to the point of name-dropping and trope-stealing directly, but it’s a pointed deconstruction. It’s a hyper-masculine fantasy tearing down one of the longest lived hyper-masculine fantasy franchises in all of cinema. Teenaged English Chav Eggsy (Taron Egerton) gets recruited to the KINGSMAN spy agency, where he competes against and triumphs over the privileged class, which is only a small facet of the script’s class warfare text. Hell, Sam Jackson’s Richmond Valentine’s evil plan is to murder all the lower classes out of sheer fucking spite. More tangibly, KINGSMAN is a watertight script with slick action, gut-busting dirty humor, some imaginative setpieces, and the single greatest uses of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Free Bird” ever. There’s a discussion to be had about the trope reward sex by the movie’s defacto Bond girl, but that discussion is largely pointed at the institutionalized sexual objectification that we, as a people, regularly ignore.
This is everything I love about Marvel movies; human & simple. On the surface, Peyton Reed’s ANT-MAN is a heist movie about a guy who can shrink –and while that’s imaginative, beautiful, exciting, and laugh out loud funny—it’s thematically a story about parents and children. Love, regret, fears, insecurities, bitterness, and forgiveness. EVERYTHING in ANT-MAN revolves around these kind of relationships, and between Michael Douglas’ Hank Pym and Evangeline Lily’s Hope Van Dyne, they’re especially poignant. I wrote about Hope Van Dyne, thinking her sidelining deeply unfair, but when I realized that Peyton Reed created these scenes to directly address former Marvel CEO Isaac Perlmutter’s overbearing misogyny on the MCU, it’s clear how elegant it is. OF COURSE it’s unfair that women don’t get to be protagonists, even when they deserve it. And THAT was the manifesto of 2015 at the movies.
We don’t get many submarine thrillers, and in today’s increasingly blockbuster-soaked landscape, it’s easy to understand why. They’re about waiting. Tension. Survival. Character. Things only a movie that knows how to take its time can do well. BLACK SEA is that movie. A joint English & Russian illegal salvaging mission in the Black Sea for Nazi gold, tensions mount in the rusting sub over nationality, paranoia, greed, and sheer mania. Jude Law gives a stirring performance as Robinson, a world-weary, blue-collar salvager with nothing to lose and nothing to live for. Suspenseful doesn’t begin to cover it. By the time this white knuckle descent into hell was over, my fingers had dug holes in the armrests.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: ROGUE NATION
Ostensibly a structural remake of the first movie, ROGUE NATION’s strength can be summed up in two words: Ilsa Faust. Rebecca Ferguson’s Faust is an incredible spy who brings true intricacy and depth to a movie that might be a little paint by numbers without her. Just as FURY ROAD is a baton pass from Max to Furiosa, so is ROGUE NATION one from Tom Cruise’s Ethan to Ilsa. Seriously, I can’t say enough good about her. Featuring incredible sequences like the opera sniper duel and a cross-desert motorcycle chase (I wasn’t wowed by the plane-hanging or the water tank dive), and the interesting employment of seemingly stock characters, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: ROGUE NATION is definitely one to see.
The strength of SICARIO is in its duplicity. Every shot highlights a dichotomy that’s often thematic, but just as often social, which is the heart of its HEART OF DARKNESS-esque journey through the complexities of the Mexican drug trade. Emily Blunt’s FBI Agent Kate Macer is our lens into a brutal and amoral world policed by CIA sociopaths like Josh Brolin’s Matt Graver and by psychopaths like Benicio del Toro’s Alejandro Gillick. It’s impossible deny the potent undertones of double-standards and sexual violence, and to that end, the movie is brilliantly crafted. My lingering question is just how relevant those ideas are.
As much of my list will begin to show, 2015 was the year of indulgence at the box office. “You can have candy for dinner” said the movies, “But they’ll probably give you a tummyache.” FURIOUS 7 is no tummyache. Campy, proud, exciting, sexy (for a cismale perspective), and hilarious, it expertly achieves its goals of ensemble blockbuster mayhem. What was your favorite part? Vin Diesel jumping a car between three skyscrapers? The Rock tackling a drone with an ambulance? Jason Statham’s death mobile? Vin Diesel swordfighting with car parts? Nathalie Emmanuel in a bikini? FURIOUS 7 is the kind of cinematic bliss that comes from taking your camp seriously and giving the audience what they don’t know they want, even if it’s a bit of a guilty pleasure. It’s nonsense, but damned satisfying nonsense.
- MIDDLING FUN
“I’m gonna have to science the shit out of this.” Made firmly in the moment making the language of millennials accessible to other generations, THE MARTIAN combines the cinematography de jour of Matt Damon’s Mark Watney’s reality-style confessional booth interviews with the grandeur of prestige cinema in photographing the surreal landscapes of Mars. Plausible science fiction, it’s as creative as it is fun, and centered in humanity and optimism. Despite all this (and its all-star cast!) THE MARTIAN is still a fairly toothless experience, with nothing feeling as desperate, dangerous, or pulse-pounding as its various elements want you to feel. It’s forgettable, but you can’t help but think about it with a warm feeling in your heart.
THE HATEFUL EIGHT
Don’t get me wrong; Tarantino’s a great director and this is still a great movie, but it just wasn’t my cup of tea. Enough cannot be said about Ennio Morricone’s haunting score, pitch perfect over the frozen wastes. Prior to the intermission, THE HATEFUL EIGHT is a fantastic little character piece, exploring everyone’s dark and complex history, juxtaposed against how they like to imagine themselves. You have typical great Tarantino dialogue, tension, blocking, and acting, and a fantastic monologue flashback, but the story takes awhile to present itself. When it does after the intermission, we’re treated to a rushed closed-door mystery with a cheated solution, a tonally dissonant flashback, and a sudden realization that only five of eight characters were as deep as you thought they’d be, and they weren’t even THAT deep. Thematically addressing a brevy of unfortunately still relevant topics such as institutionalized racism, sexism, hegemony, and more, THE HATEFUL EIGHT IS vital and I can’t recommend seeing it enough… I just wish it was structured to better support that.
AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON
I wanted to love AGE OF ULTRON way more than I did, but it’s a classic example of forcing a story. This isn’t about Hawkeye’s family; it’s about Tony Stark’s hubris in creating Ultron and his relationship to it. Acting under a desire to minimize Tony Stark’s role in a story that is ostensibly his, Whedon’s disparate themes and actions without consequences leads to a third act that feels like an entirely different movie. The classic snappy Whedon dialogue and emotional stakes & consequences are still here… they’re just diluted by all the poor structure. It doesn’t help that the movie was edited to death and was forced to pointedly “set up” (a blight of modern cinema) CIVIL WAR and INFINITY WAR. Despite all that AND that that many threads had no explanation or consequences, it speaks volumes to Whedon’s skill and to Marvel’s production philosophy that it was still super fun.
A divisive choice, considering its Oscar push, but SPOTLIGHT felt to me like a tepid ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN. While the story of the Boston Globe revealing the Catholic priests molestation scandal pandemic was vital and interesting, the human drama was rendered almost entirely in exposition (a huge detraction from my personal investment), nobody felt personally invested in the investigation until seemingly very late in the movie, and the stakes of publishing the story felt very nebulous at times. I know people who love this movie and felt the tension that I did not, but it just wasn’t my speed. Live Schreiber rocked in it, though.
A phenomenal performance by Bryan Cranston as the titular blacklisted Dalton Trumbo, this is a historical drama detailing his blacklisting from Hollywood during the communist scare, his stint in jail, and his slow clawing back to success. Much of it falls emotionally flat because the story can’t stay on a story beat long enough for us to get invested. Featuring strong, if typical performances by John Goodman, Alan Tudyk, Diane Lane, C.K. Louis, and Elle Fanning, TRUMBO is enormously competent, but without much to say beyond “the Hollywood blacklist was bad.” Quality filmmaking, albeit forgettable.
SPONGEBOB: SPONGE OUT OF WATER
Do you like Spongebob? Would you like to see four original episodes of Spongebob stitched together, each with a different genre and goals? Here’s your movie. Your mileage on Spongebob may vary. I find him intermittently fun, but mostly insufferable. I guess that makes me a Squidward.
Using a beautiful, tactile animation technique, PEANUTS has a real and present texture, making you feel like you could reach out and pull it apart with your hands. Effortlessly charming, PEANUTS the movie feels like a year’s worth of the comic strips seamlessly stitched together, with every character as you might remember from A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS. Snoopy’s WWI antics with the Red Baron provide the greatest comedy beats and the most blockbustery action setpieces in what’s otherwise a lighthearted character piece of Charlie Brown trying to befriend his crush, the Little Red Head Girl. While Charlie Brown’s misadventures are meant to highlight his goodness and compassion, the movie suffers from having little to offer subtextually and from regressive plot devices such as the Maiden in Distress and two Women as Rewards. Youthfully innocent, but it’s still a male entitlement fantasy.
BRIDGE OF SPIES
This is a spy thriller that is not a thriller, per say, and it is a courtroom drama that is not a courtroom drama, either. With great actors in a few decent roles, BRIDGE OF SPIES is family-safe on all fronts. Its condemnation of American provinciality arcs to a triumph of American perseverance and ethics; its vision of the Cold War is bloodless, save for a chilling moment at the Berlin Wall; and it has enough “good people” to root for. There are just too many characters in too scattershot a structure with too-long of a first act to feel anything more than relative passing interest.
In a world of Disney and Pixar animated masterpieces that bring so much more to the table than mere text, along comes MINIONS to basically entertain kids for a few hours. The Minions still make for great comedy, even in a solo venture, but when they’ve got to do double duty as semi-serious protagonists, they lose a bit of that off the cuff magic. While Jon Hamm and Sandra Bullock provide great voicing to the movie’s villains, they just don’t inhabit a world that’s interesting enough for investment. Everything about the movie –and especially those characters- is vapid posturing and joke-explaining. I’m not wild about DESPICABLE ME’s humor, but at least it was never this obvous.
THE LAST WITCH HUNTER
Buckle down for the most metal sword and sorcery opening sequence ever, featuring vikings getting THE FUCK magicked out of them— Then slouch as it dissolves into a tepid urban fantasy movie. To its credit, LAST WITCH HUNTER has some impressive creature design and CGI… but that’s a low bar for success these days. Vin Diesel is typically growly, but atypically uninteresting; Elijah Wood doesn’t get enough to do; Michael Caine is an afterthought; and it utterly misuses GAME OF THRONES’ Rose Leslie. Mediocre and uninteresting, two massive points against the sadly under-represented action/horror genre.
I forgot I saw this. Branaugh’s CINDERELLA has incredible mis en scene, one of the single greatest dresses I’ve seen in movie history (aesthetically AND thematically perfect!), and fantastic performances by Cate Blanchett and Lily James… but it’s utterly paint by numbers with absolutely no surprises and even less to say. In a world where MALEFICENT (2014) offered a credo on women’s relationships in a world dominated by the Patriarchy, CINDERELLA represents a missed opportunity to condemn female in-fighting and rivalry. Without a single song to its credit, CINDERELLA is a pale shadow of the animated masterpiece it adapted.
- NOT SO GREAT AND MAYBE EVEN BAD
- STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS
Another controversial choice, but while Abrams’ love letter to the Original Trilogy may have nailed its tone while bringing a more diverse (and talented!) cast and staging a couple great fist-pumping moments, it’s script is way more miss than hit. Sure, there are great exchanges between certain characters and individual scenes work in a vacuum, but as a whole, nothing gels the way it should. It’s a greatest hits of the Original Trilogy without understand how or why any of it worked the first time. My feelings were so complex on this one, I pretty much dissected it entirely. For me, STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS is about as good as the prequels; there are a few great standout moments, but not enough to redeem it from its numerous flaws. In some ways, the prequels are its superior; they are at least original.
I wanted to rate this higher, and there are many who will argue with me, but del Toro’s gothic horror/romance epic fails to work as a script. You couldn’t ask for a greater mis en scene of the slowly sinking Allerdale Hall, or a more perfect cast than Mia Wasikowska as the silver tongued writer and romantic, Tom Hiddleston as her ominous suitor and lonely baron, and Jessica Chastain as his venomous sister with ever-increasingly rivalry… but the story just doesn’t know what it is. Is it a mystery? Is it a horror movie? Is it a romance? CRIMSON PEAK can’t decide, resulting in a movie that’s a tepid and painfully obvious. It may be a 1:1 recreation of all the strengths and weaknesses of a Hammer horror film, but it could’ve been so much more.
JAMES BOND: SPECTRE
SPECTRE’s opening long shot tells you everything you need to know about the movie: surface-level style with an emphasis on mood, padding between beats, and gritty realism. The ensuing helicopter fight offers little in the way of real tension or excitement, and so the movie continues, jadedly hitting all the bullet points of “A JAMES BOND MOVIE,” without any real care or understanding for how they work. Christoph Waltz’ Blofeld hams it up as a Bond villain nearly reaching Dr. Evil heights. The lighting alternates between impenetrably dark and blasting white for the villain’s base. I’d call this a wash if not for the side story of Q, M, and Moneypenny, who are engaged in a Le Carre’-esque spy thriller more about the organization of spy organizations than the spy work itself. It’s clear that director Sam Mendes cares much more about these politics than he does about James Bond, which is why the “Bond story” feels so tacked on and rote. This was a snooze. …but I kind of loved Sam Smith’s “Writing on the Wall.” Sorry, rest of the world.
Controversial for not being lower on the list, TERMINATOR: GENISYS attempts to ride on nostalgia for a property that’s long since burned up all its goodwill. It’s every bit as mismashed, fanservicy, predictable, and unoriginal as THE FORCE AWAKENS and JURASSIC WORLD, but at least it’s tonally unified with plenty of standout beats acting as callbacks to Terminator 1 & 2. The best way to think of it is an event comic where your mind is supposed to be blown because Bruce Wayne died instead of his parents, Uncle Ben didn’t die, or whatever. Action-packed, character-driven, and with a surprisingly touching father-daughter relationship between Sarah Connor (Clarke) and her personal T-800 Terminator (Schwarzenegger), TERMINATOR GENYSIS succeeded on its own terms. Too bad for it that nobody cared. Have you seen Matt Smith’s scenes in it, though? Textbook unintentional comedy.
I like that director Josh Trank tried to make a Cronenbergian body horror aimed at millennials. With better structure, it could’ve been that and more. Instead, last-minute budget cuts and executive interference from FOX took this self-serious, gritty coming-of-age sci-fi movie, and forced it into a self-serious, self-conscious superhero movie that was embarrassed to be in its own skin. With an overlong first act, an out of place second act, and a preposterously rushed third act, it’s a superhero movie straight out of the 2000s: no idea how to best execute its ideas, and summarily misses the point of all of them. Miles Teller, Jaime Bell, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, and Toby Kebbell give it all they’ve got, and for a brief moment, you can see the mad genius this all could’ve been.
HITMAN: AGENT 47
Were it not for my uncle, I would’ve been alone in the theater. It’s obvious why. A turgid rebootquel of a poorly received video game movie from 2007 featuring none of the same cast, its most interesting feature was that it was one of several baton passes from a male star to a female star. Rupert Friend’s Agent 47 trains Hannah Ware’s Katia to be the next-greatest super-assassin. There are moments of genius in this lackluster affair -Exotic deaths and hints of a brother-sister rapport- but it’s all lost in its tedious, exposition-driven mythology and in its drivel action scenes. Someone in casting thought Zachary Quinto would make a perfect Wolverine. With liquid metal under his skin, we watched this super assassin “die” multiple times. You’d think that’d be entertaining. It wasn’t.
- ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE
Nostalgia is all apologists have to defend this mess. “John Williams’ score! An operational park! Dinosaurs!” they cry, realizing there’s nothing else to defend. The characters all seem to operate independently of one another in different movies with disparate moods, stakes, goals, and arcs. Even scene-to-scene, the movie cannot decide on a tone. Is it a sulky understated divorce drama between brothers? A snarky science thriller between researchers? A violent dino-on-man survival horror? Or a comedy between gatekeepers calmly watching oncoming, bloodthirsty pterodactyls? It’s everything and all of it abominably executed. By the time the movie was over, I didn’t feel bad for laughing at it so hard. If this is the best Colin Trevorrow can do with a beloved sci-fi franchise, I’m horrified to think what he’ll do to STAR WARS EPISODE IX.
Holy fuck this was bad. Cool, it’s space Cinderella. Too bad it’s embarrassingly bad. Mila Kunis walks doe-eyed from one scene to the next making weird, bestiality-ridden comments about wolf-man Channing Tatum. Sean Bean tries to sell being a bee-hybrid as best he can with laugh-out-loud bad dialogue. Eddie Redmayne is the only man on Earth who knows what he was playing in JUPITER ASCENDING, randomly alternating between whispering effeminately and yelling like his balls were in a vise. Give the man credit, he made something out of the role, but that something wasn’t pretty. In the movie’s defense, there’s a bizarre moment dead in the middle where Mila Kunis must go through Gilliam-esque space accounting to truly become a space princess, a sequence capped by Terry Gilliam himself wearing something straight out of BRAZIL. I dunno why the fuck it was there or necessary, but at least it distracted me from the movie’s godawful structure and painfully imagined sci-fi universe. The space dogfights were so overblown and particle-ridden, it made the TRANSFORMER movies look restrained. Next time, let the grown-ups write your script, Wachowskies.
Holy fuck, this was worse. Coupled with ELYSIUM, CHAPPIE was the one-two punch that killed Neil Blomkamp’s chances of directing an ALIEN movie and thank fucking God for that. CHAPPIE’s got an interesting premise: what if a sentiment machine chose the ghetto lifestyle rather than the generic white mentality we usually see in such films. The problem is, there’s absolutely no internal logic in the movie as Dev Patel and the members of Die Antwoord give Chappie conflicting advice resulting in actions that never seem appropriate or cause and effects that have even less logic. At one point, Hugh Jackman’s I’M A BAD GUY character pulls a gun on Patel’s I’M A GOOD GUY character in the middle of a crowded office then passes it off as a joke. Nobody bats an eye. Die Antwoord are Chappie’s unlikable caretakers and, apart from one comedic scene where they trick Chappie into stealing cars for them, they are abominable. The movie climaxes in separate sequences of urban warfare desperately aping –and pissing on- ROBOCOP, culminating in Chappie fighting a robot with a name that that Sigourney-fucking-Weaver has to sell credibly: “THE MOOSE!” Unoriginal, tone deaf, hateful, unintelligent, structureless, illogical, indulgent, pandering, and soulless, it is the absolute wrong way to make a movie about finding what makes us human. It’s an extra kick in the nuts because I LOVE transcendence stories.
So concludes my list for this year. My 2016 resolution? More indie and foreign movies!
Thanks for reading, you starved-for-something-better-to-do-masochists, you!